U.S. Marine Capt. Justin Sharpe, the executive officer for Comanche Company, 3rd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, leads his 8-month-old son Julian across Victory Field at the U.S. Marine Corps Air Combat Center, Twentynine Palms, Calif. The 3rd LAR was returning home after a seven-month deployment to Iraq, Sept. 8, 2009. U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Monica Erickson
By Elaine Wilson, AFPS
Nov. 18, 2009
Elaine.wilson@dma.mil
One of the top headlines yesterday was about a soldier and single mom who was a no-show for a flight to Afghanistan because, she said, she didn’t have anyone to care for her son while she deployed.
Her mom, who originally was supposed to pitch in, had her hands full with caring for other relatives and was unable to commit to a full year of care for her grandson.
The story struck a chord in me. I too had been a single mom while serving in the active duty and I remember that constant tug of war between mission and family.
When I was stationed in Turkey, I vividly recall my everyday struggles to care for my infant son and 18-month-old daughter while also trying to perform with excellence at work. Far away from family and friends, I was just barely holding it together.
But I almost reached my breaking point when my supervisor sat me down one day and told me it was my turn to serve as the on-call public affairs representative for the emergency operations center. I balked at the order. The on-call person could be called in at any time, night or day, and I had two babies at home. I panicked and immediately asked her to give me any other duty, five duties, or 10, anything but that.
She looked at me calmly and said this was part of the mission. “It’s your turn,” she said. I walked away furious -– at her, at the Air Force, at everything. How could she not understand my position?
Of course, I did as I was ordered. I asked a close friend, with four kids of her own, to help out. She rushed over when I called, even if it was 2 a.m. I wasn’t happy about it, but that was part of the deal, part of the sacrifice I’d signed up for.
I eventually found a wonderful military home day care that offered me round-the-clock care while serving as a single mom.
In retrospect, it wasn’t my supervisor’s fault; it wasn’t anyone’s fault. She was doing what was best for the mission.
I stuck it out in the active duty for a while longer, but then transitioned to the Air Force Reserve. I truly loved serving my country full time, but found it very tough to do so as a single mom, which brings me back to the soldier who skipped her flight to Afghanistan.
I can understand her reasons for what she did. I’m not sure I agree with how she went about it, but I can see why she did it.
I hope the Army can help this soldier find a solution that enables her to continue to serve, but with the peace of mind that her son is well cared for back home. It’s the very least she deserves for her service.
The fact that this soldier was part of such a small population may have played a role in her situation. Single parents make up a small percentage of the military; comprising only about 5.2 percent of the active-duty and 8.4 percent of the Guard and Reserve, according to a 2007 Defense Department demographics report. These are small percentages, but they represent single moms and dads with unique and important needs. They deserve the exact same attention and resources as married and single servicemembers.
In the past decade, I’ve seen our military leaders turn their focus to military families and, as a result, family programs have evolved exponentially. Many day care providers, for instance, now offer very flexible care.
I hope that the DoD will continue to expand its resources for single military moms and dads, however small in number, so they won’t ever feel the desperation that the single mom and soldier did.
In the meantime, here are just a few of the existing resources the military offers:
– Military OneSource: Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues. Free face-to-face counseling sessions — and their equivalent by phone or online — also are available. Call 1-800-342-9647 or go online to http://www.militaryonesource.com to learn more.
– Military support services: You can call or visit any installation Army Community Service Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Fleet and Family Support Center or Airman and Family Readiness Center regardless of your branch affiliation.
If you aren’t near an installation, National Guard Family Assistance Centers are available in every state. The Local Community Resource Finder on the National Guard Family Program at www.guardfamily.org will identify your closest center.
– Talk to a chaplain or primary care physician.
1,454,515 on active duty, plus 848,000 on reserve status makes five percent a lot of people. Multiply that by the number of family members and you’re easily over one million affected people in the lives of single military parents.
This is an especially personal topic for me as I was an active duty single mom with a newborn and toddler … I don’t think it is appropriate for single parents to continue on in service. In my situation, I was stuck, I couldn’t get out for financial reasons, but I knew I was being the best parent I could be with the rigors of active duty committments on my door step … or rather in my living room.
I would have liked an exit option once I realized my situation wasn’t workable, which isn’t easy to estimate when a person just becomes pregnant. People who are capable of single parenting and serving successfully on active duty are a special breed of people who can be given the benefit of the doubt, if given a creative exit strategy. I think offering this is a win win proposition. It would require the services, however, to consider the unique difficulties military single parents face when transitioning back into the work force. If it was more feasible in terms of practicality, I think many single parents would make the switch.
For me it wasn’t an option, and me and my children suffered all around.
Its really great to see you step out on here regarding this very difficult, sensitive subject. Good on the DOD.
I too am a military single parent and when I heard the recent story of the soldier who chose family over career, I could relate largely. I too was in a similar situation. I do not feel like the military gives adequate support to single parents and I think that they need to work on that largely.
I am a single mother with a four-year-old daughter. I am still considering the marine corps. It has been a goal of mine to join since I was 16. I thought I was giving up that dream for family, but am now just another single mother. I would love to still serve my country, but am not sure it is possible. In your opinions, as single military mothers, is it smart to go, or would it be more sacrifice than it is worth? Any feedback is appreciated.
Pray about it.
Brio,
If you have a strong backbone of family who are willing to support you during your time of service, than I would say go for it.
But remember, and I say this as someone who has been through this, as much as your family might want to help, sometimes it’s just not possible and you cannot fault them for that. Especially given the economic issues many are facing today.
You really need to sit down and talk with whomever you would be leaving your child with if you were to deploy, and express to them your concerns and desire for your child to have a steady environment while you are gone. It’s not fair to the child to be shuffled from one house to the next, and it’s not fair to you having to 1- not only deal with the stress of being deployed, but 2- the stress of trying to figure out where your child is this week or next week.
Hope this helps!
Good luck!
I am a single mother of 3. I have been wanting to join the military as well since I too was 16, that being the Navy. I get no support from the father for the children, I live with my mother, and I Can Not find a job at all. My mother has told me and still tells me that if that is what I want to do then she will help me with my children and be there to support me. This is a decision I have made based upon the Economy and the future for my children, mother and I. I feel that the military would be the best opportunity for all of us. I guess what I am trying to do, is ask someone for a little bit of feedback as well. I know there are more chances of me going on deployment if I go active, which is my number one intention. I just want to be able to get some information from somone going through the same or been through it already. Please, and Thank you.
It is a thoughtful gesture. Most of us did not to be single parents by choice, especially when it involves unexpected death. We need to understand that divorce is not the only reason as to why children lose a parent. You may be widowed and requires financial assistance, it is nice to know that there are people out there ready to lend a hand.