Kids Need Help to Cope With Loss

By Elaine Wilson, AFPS
Elaine.wilson@dma.mil
Oct. 19, 2009

Last week I wrote about my trip to New York, where Sesame Workshop was taping a new video aimed at helping children deal with the loss of a loved one.
 
The script, developed with help from Defense Department experts, was designed to help children understand and cope with death. Just watching the actors bring the story to life brought tears to my eyes, particularly as a parent of young children.

In the story, Elmo is missing his Uncle Jack, who had recently died. It’s hard for the preschooler to grasp the permanence of death. His dad, Louie, tries to explain it to him in the simplest of terms: “You see, when someone dies, it means they’re not alive anymore. Their body has stopped working. They don’t eat or breathe or talk on the phone.”

As I watched the scene unfold, I thought of my own children. I couldn’t help but wonder how I would explain death to them if it should closely touch our lives. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it would be.

But families each day are tackling that difficult task. They may have to explain the death of a loved one who made the ultimate sacrifice on the battlefield or who lost a well-fought battle with a long-term illness or died suddenly. For each loss, there’s possibly a child who’s trying to come to terms with it, trying to understand.
 
Fortunately, Sesame Workshop and the Defense Department are tackling this extremely difficult, and necessary, topic. The Elmo video will be integrated into a special on dealing with death, which is scheduled to be aired on PBS in April. Sesame then will develop a military-specific kit that will be distributed to families throughout the world.

In the meantime, if you or someone you know is helping a child cope with the loss of a loved one, Jeanette Betancourt, Sesame Workshop’s vice president of outreach and educational practices, has passed on some helping tips:
 
– When it happens, explain what death is. For example, you could tell them what Louie told Elmo: “When a person dies their body stops moving, breathing and eating.”
 
– As you talk with children use terms that are more direct and explicit. Use terms such as died and dead. Although sleep, lost or passed away may feel safer and gentler, children may get confused. For example, they might not understand the difference between the loss of a ball that was found and the loss of a parent.
 
– Children might need help understanding the permanence of death.

– Children may ask the same question over and over again. This is very typical. Their questions reflect their need for extra reinforcement.
 
– Remind children that what happened isn’t their fault.
 
– A major worry for a child may be “Who will take care of me?” Reassure children that someone from the wide network of people in their lives always will be there.
 
– If you don’t have an answer, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know,” or “I’ll have to think about that one.” Your family or religious traditions also may influence the answers you give.

– Children might go through many conflicting feelings about what happened. They could feel anger, sadness, frustration and loneliness. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel many different ways.

– Always encourage children to keep positive memories.

The video reinforces the need to remember the happy times as it not only focuses on understanding death, but also on the importance of celebrating life. In one scene, Elmo’s dad reminds his niece Jessie to remember the joyful moments she spent with her dad. “And you know what else helps me feel better?” he asked her. “Remembering the good times we had with your dad – and there sure were a lot of those, weren’t there?”

Death is a difficult concept for anyone, let alone a young child, to grasp. I’m glad Sesame and the DoD are working together to provide resources to help children understand death and find hope through the celebration of life.

For more on Sesame’s resources for military families, visit http://www.sesameworkshop.org/initiatives/emotion/tlc