By Elaine Wilson, AFPS
elaine.wilson@dma.mil
Oct. 1, 2009
When I was young and very hotheaded, my ex-husband and I often would have knock-down, drag-out fights.
We’d yell and stomp off and come back to yell some more. Stuck in a romantic haze, I chalked our fights up to an overdose of passion and love. In reality, it was a lack on both our parts to communicate effectively.
But then one night he pushed me. I flew back and slammed against a chair. I was shocked. He’d never gotten physical before.
I walked away and later forgave him. He’d been drinking, I said to myself, he was just upset. I blamed myself for instigating him with our earlier fight. He never hit me or pushed me again, but he often used physical intimidation and the trust between us eroded. For that and many other reasons, the marriage ended a few years later.
For many women, the abuse is much, much worse. It may start small – with a shove or biting insult – but then continues and escalates until, possibly, disaster strikes.
Today marks the beginning of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to raise awareness about this pervasive problem.
Domestic abuse is violent or controlling behavior — whether physical, emotional or sexual — directed at a current or former spouse or intimate partner. It can occur frequently or just occasionally. It also doesn’t discriminate; it transcends racial, ethnic and gender borders.
Domestic violence is shockingly common. A staggering one in four women will experience abuse in her lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It’s also one of the most chronically underreported crimes.
Abuse leaves its mark on children as well. Child abuse occurs much more often in families where there is domestic violence, experts say. Children also can be injured in the midst of the abuse or suffer from emotional problems as a result from witnessing it.
If you suspect someone is being abused, keep an eye out for these signs from Military OneSource:
– Does she appear anxious, depressed, withdrawn and reluctant to talk?
– Does her partner criticize her in front of you, making remarks that make you feel uncomfortable when you’re around the two of them?
– Do you see or hear about repeated bruises, broken bones or other injuries that reportedly result from “accidents”?
– Does her partner try to control her every move, make her account for her time and accuse her of having affairs?
– Is she often late or absent from work, has she quit a job altogether or does she leave social engagements early because her partner is waiting for her?
If you suspect abuse or are the one who is being abused, seek help; no one deserves to be abused. Talk to someone you trust or call the domestic violence hotline to speak with a counselor.
Here are some resources for military families from the Military OneSource Web site:
– Call Military OneSource at 24/7 at 1-800-342-9647. The program will connect you to a specially trained victim advocate who will help you understand your options and plan how to keep you and your children safe. For more information, please visit Military OneSource.
– Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). The hotline provides information on finding shelters, housing, counseling, job training and legal assistance in your area. It also provides local resources for those who commit domestic violence. For more about the hotline, go to http://www.ndvh.org.
– If you are outside the United States, contact the American Domestic Violence Crisis Line by calling the local AT&T operator in the country you are in and asking to be connected to 1-866-USWOMEN (1-866-6636). For more information about the hotline, visit http://www.866uswomen.org.
– Contact your installation’s Family Advocacy Program to report the abuse and get help. Find the phone number for your installation’s Family Advocacy Program by using the Military Homefront Installation Locator at http://www.militaryinstallations.dod.mil.
I bookmarked this site. Thanks heaps for this!… if anyone else has anything, it would be much appreciated.
This is a subject that I wish more people would discuss, especially surrounding military installations. Many people look at our lives and just assume that everything is great! Not so for many spouses….including men. Men and women living this military life are victims of domestic violence. Sometimes we talk to each other because we’re too ashamed to talk to those in higher authority. We focus on keeping our families together while losing ourselves. I’m so glad this post was written and I do hope more spouses…men and women…will seek help in their situations.
The increased numbers of Soldiers returning with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is going to impact this subject significantly. So the timeliness of the topic is key. We need to continue to spread the word not to be silent victims. Getting a returning Soldier the help they need early can be the greatest gift for the Soldier as well as the family. This does not have to be a death sentence for a career or a marriage if dealt with early and aggressively.
I am encouraged by this post! I’m glad you were able to leave the abuse Elaine. Staying in an abusive situation is hard, but leaving is harder. Way to go!
I disagree with Army Wife. I am a Victim Advocate at an Installation that has frequent, multiple deployments. While PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is tragic and I do agree that Soldier reintegration should focus more on mental health, I disagree that PTSD impacts domestic violence/sexual assault.
The majority of the cases I receive involve Soldier offenders who are either new to the military or have NEVER been deployed. It has been my experience that PTSD is an excuse the Soldier uses to excuse the abuse she/he has (probably) perpetrated on their loved one many times over.