Family Matters Blog

Lt. j.g. Matt Johnson from the guided-missile destroyer USS Mahan holds his wife in his arms during homecoming celebrations at Naval Station Norfolk April 9, 2009. U.S. Navy photo by Petty Officer 3rd Class David Danals

By Elaine Wilson, AFPS
Elaine.wilson@dma.mil
Sept. 28, 2009

My divorce was one of the toughest experiences of my life. My children were babies at the time and I was terrified of the prospect of single parenting, especially while serving in the military.

Although my husband had left me, I felt a sense of responsibility and guilt for the rifts in our relationship that lingers to this day.

Even now, at 6 and 7, my kids ask me why my ex and I didn’t stay together. I never seem to have the right answer.

I don’t know anyone who enters marriage forecasting divorce, but it’s an unfortunate reality for 50 percent of first marriages in the United States, experts say.

The military is working to curb the divorce rate among its ranks. Each service offers programs – ranging from support groups to weekend retreats — through family-support, chaplain or mental health counseling networks.

People outside the military are working to help as well. Last week I spoke to Mike Schindler, founder of Operation Military Family, an organization dedicated to helping strengthen marriages. Schindler has published a book called “Operation Military Family: How Military Families are Fighting to Preserve Their Marriages” and also has a Web site devoted to military couples.

We talked at length about the struggles couples have within the military, particularly when dealing with deployments and reintegration. In the course of his research, Schindler spent more than 1,000 hours interviewing military couples.

In his travels, he discovered two key concepts for a successful relationship: Have a strong vision and create a support network.

Schindler said it’s important to set goals. If the vision is to be married for 50 years, then figure out how you see yourselves getting there.

“If you don’t have a common vision, where you’re taking your relationship, it’s easy to get off course,” he explained.

This vision is particularly important if your spouse is being deployed. If possible, you want to ensure you have a strong foundation before being separated, he said.

Part of this vision is to create a plan for dealing with issues while separated, such as a day to discuss touchy topics and a method for dealing with conflict.

He used an example from his book to illustrate. A couple had a fight and the husband, who was deployed, shut down communication for several days, leaving his wife worried and upset.

“Anything could have happened during that time,” Schindler said. “You need to figure out your ‘rules of engagement,’ how to face conflict. It’s best not to fight over the phone or e-mail.

“If your spouse has an issue and it isn’t the best time, table it, say ‘now is not a good time’ and set a time to discuss when you’re more clearheaded, such as Friday at 6 p.m.,” he said.

It’s important to sometimes take a break from conflict and issues as well. “If it’s always issues every time you talk, then someone is going to shut down,” he said.

Schindler also noted the importance of building a strong support network.

“Surround yourself with friends, families and professional and church organizations, helping people who can keep you accountable to your vision,” he advised.

The key, he said, is to build support sooner rather than later. That way, when your spouse deploys, the support already will be in place.

In today’s Internet age, it’s easy to isolate ourselves from others. So to help break down the virtual walls, Schindler encourages military couples to reach out to others in the same situation for comfort and support.

I learned a lot from Schindler, and plan to apply it to my own marriage. If you have any tips on keeping marriages strong, don’t hesitate to write in.

For more on Operation Military Family, go to http://www.operationmilitaryfamily.com

For information on building relationships, contact your service’s mental-wellness or family-support center, a chaplain’s office or visit Military OneSource at www.militaryonesource.com.